It sounded like a goodbye, despite it being a welcoming to the rest of your life. I could barely see your face in the dark, but I know the look in your eyes when you look at me. You said “never leave me”, I replied “I wouldn’t. We’re forever attached to each other and I want it that way. Stay close”.

And so I felt one with you at that moment. I couldn’t see your eyes or visage but you were here more like ever before, and I have never felt so alive. I cried and you kissed my forehead. I said “thank you for all of this. Thank you for your love and the moments we have and will be together in. I wouldn’t want to love, touch or share this with anyone else”. You held me close.

30th of July will be the date I’ll forever remember.

The day you left. The day that the test for us to reafirm we’re meant to be will start.

I wrote this in my other blog but I want it here too.

Whenever I feel sad I listen to Intuit by Ramona Falls. They have such an amazing effect on me, even if I can’t sleep, I can fall asleep to this album. Their music makes me feel so much better and like eventually the world will be kind to me.

Iris Murdoch said “love is the extremely difficult realization that something other than oneself is real”, and when I listen to their lyrics I realize I’m not the only living thing, the person who wrote this has feelings as real as mine. You hear people saying how they feel all the time but never actually think beyond words and actions to feel in their place. I’m not saying it’s love (that’s creepy), but I remembered that quote because all this is some kind of overwhelming idea　 not knowing how he feels right now even though we’ve at some point felt the same somehow, I can’t help but wonder. Now, knowing that other people have feelings and have felt like me, while I expand on that idea I start to think that there are other people out there, as real as me, I don’t know how they all feel but I know this: some of them are happy and that makes me have hope, hope that maybe tomorrow, in a week, in a month or even years I’ll be happy.

It’s funny how they or Mew have no clue of how much they’ve changed my life and helped me when I feel hopeless, each in a different, special way. Ramona Falls makes me feel like the world is a better place than where I’m standing and rant about stuff like just did, and Mew makes me feel like I have someone by my side, telling me to be brave. There’s something so hopeful about music I can’t describe, and I’ll forever be thankful with these guys for so indirectly helping me realize all this and helping me to grow as a person.

(Source: pleuvoir)

New motto: The world can be a better place than where I’m stading.

I’m afraid of my own mind. It scares me of what I’m not able to do, and what I’ve done. All the things I did and didn’t do haunt me late at night, like ghosts made out of fog; they’re all created by my horrible, contradicting mind. The same thing that tells me not to, tells me I should’ve after. 

And then I figured it all out, what I didn’t in these two years, even probably since I can properly analyze things. I did it by myself, in a second: I can do this. I can get through with it. It’s not a chance for life to prove me wrong about how good I can do something, it’s about me proving to myself than I can be and do more than what I always preset myself to, that I can be worth more than “they can do better things than I can, I’m doing horribly wrong in my field, but you know what? I’ll just sit here and try nothing”. It’s been enough of that. I’m going to want to give up at some point but standing up from this and those falls to come will only make me stronger at last.

The fact that I fall because of weakness doesn’t mean I can be stronger after. The fact that some of them can do better than I do doesn’t mean I can be good after all. I’m going to try to be better at all times and no matter what, not only in my career but also in life.

Yesterday I hoped for something extraordinary to happen, but it never did. Then, I realized you’re my extraordinary something. Despite you happen every day, you’re extraordinary, and I’m in your heart. That’s all I need, forever.

I jumped in a puddle today, at the same exact moment a lightening struck. Thank you for listening to me when I told you not to bring the car so I could jump and try to avoid all the accumulated water from the rain.
I love you, I just do. All your dumb faces and expressions, your caresses and your voice, everything about you is endlessly lovely. Even when you got upset when I didn’t want you to bring the car so I didn’t wet my feet like I did, you were being lovely. I love when you start kissing me while I’m unaware of what you’re about to do. I love when we both act like children. I love your body, your eyes. The way you look at me is beautiful, almost as beautiful as the feelings you can make me feel in just a second. 

I remember clearly the first time I met the ocean. It wasn’t so long ago, a little less than 3 years ago. It was early at night, yet it was so dark. I was scared. As I walk through the sand I heard the waves crashing, and my feet stepping in small, slightly sharp things that weren’t sand grains. I got scared and started to run, though everyone tried to calm me down. As I ran I could still feel them and I panicked even more. I somehow always imagined beaches to be incredibly clean, clear and fresh. At last, I didn’t get used tostepping in the little dry dead plants and branches that were all over the sand, but I had to try and ignore them. I couldn’t see the waves, that scared me too. I could only hear them crashing, in a violent and strong sound. I always thought their sound would be calming and slow, it wasn’t.
I stood there for a few minutes, trying to understand why I was so scared. It was the unknown, the darkness. The feeling of experiencing something new without being able to fully perceive it. Suddenly I felt a sort of cleansing feeling all over my body. I can’t remember how it was, I just know it was there. I imagine wind, but I know there wasn’t any. I remember the moon, that I’m not quite sure I’m lying to myself or if it was actually there.
I want to go back to that moment.